I feel like I’m lost and not wanting to be found.

Gerald Teano
Tagaytay City, Philippines
Director of Live Media & Production at Ocean City Church

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What are you passionate about in life right now?
I asked myself this the other day, and I couldn’t come up with an answer. I love photography, graphic design, storytelling, church, Jesus, music, friends, family, etc…but I’m not finding myself passionate about those things. I feel like if any of those things were taken away, I would be fine. And there is a part of me that wants to throw those things away.

Where are you in life right now?

I feel like I’m lost and not wanting to be found. The only thing that makes sense these days is The Grey Line. It’s a blog that a close friend of mine started this past year. It’s a collection of creative writings and minimalist artwork inspired by her journey with God. I’m not going to try and explain it; it’s just something you have to read yourself, immerse yourself in. Go check it out; it’s how I’ve been feeling lately.

On my bad days, I feel like an anxiety-filled, depressed-ridden guy who is trying to make sense of life and constantly failing. I’m always thinking of the “what-ifs” and get frustrated that my life didn’t turn out how I pictured. I feel like the enemy is taking me out, and I’m becoming more and more ok with it happening. I’ve always dealt with anxiety and depression, but this year is the worst it’s ever been. There was a period of three to four months where I would have a panic attack somewhere between three to five times a week. One time, I was in a staff meeting and started to feel my heart gradually beat faster. I started to have difficulty breathing and began doing breathing exercises to try to calm down. I tried to be discreet about it because I didn’t want anybody to notice. But someone did. She quietly asked me, “Are you ok?”, not trying to draw attention to the situation. As I turned to look at her, I felt my eyes well up with tears and said, “NO.” So, I calmly (again, I didn’t want anyone to know) went to the bathroom and let the panic attack continue. When it was over, I washed my face and went back to the meeting like nothing happened.

On my good days, which are few and far between, I feel like a son of God, believing I’ve been rescued from death and brought to life by what Jesus did on the cross. From that, everything falls into place and makes sense. On these days, my anxiety and depression are replaced with peace and joy. The panic attacks that render me breathless with an erratic heartbeat are superseded by the overwhelming love of God. The blinding perspective of the “what-ifs” are supplanted by the Sovereignty of God and knowing He has me in the exact place I need to be. And although at times, I don’t like His plan for my life, I know it’s the right one. On these days, I know that The Resurrected King is resurrecting me.